A birthday in the machine

      Back to the 'Machine' for a radically different set of birthday experiences, fate obviously decreed that the euphemistically named 'procedure' would be on that particular day.
      Arrival at the 'Machine' was scheduled for 7.30am because I was to be first on the theatre list. The nurse on reception noticed the date co-incidence politely saying 'happy birthday' I'll show you to your bed so you can get changed and make yourself comfortable. Then people in blue come to see me, the consultant, the registrar, the anaesthetist rapidly followed by yet more people in blue who are going to look after me.
     I'm reassured.

     A nurse arrives to take my blood pressure and temperature then drawing the curtains she says, menacingly, 'I'll be back'. Minutes later she returns with a homemade birthday card depicting someone looking up my colon and a gift wrapped enema, 'this won't take a minute John, just try and hang-on to it for half an hour', this is said with a twinkle in her eye and followed by 'the two toilets are just there'.
      I'm going to need two?
      I manage seven minutes before the world falls out of my bottom.
      The 'Machine' just keeps on giving... but full marks to those lovely nurses for their personal skills and humour, they really are absolute treasures.
      After the deep sleep and back on the ward I am brought a cup of tea and some biscuits from another cheerful nurse who tells me to drink and eat then we'll get you dressed. This is the point at which the slapstick comedy starts.
      Out of the bed wearing the smock I apologise, embarrassed, for a small mark on the sheet. 'Don't worry that's nothing and to be expected'. I ask where the pad on the bed has gone, the seepage absorber that looks like a puppy training pad. We look under the bed, behind the bed, me now starkers and the nurse fully clothed, obviously. Then she starts to laugh until tears appear and points at me while hanging onto the bed for support.
      The square pad is stuck to my bum and it has rotated so that there's a triangle hanging down below my crutch and two triangular wings either side of my abdomen. The Ward Sister turns up to see what the hilarity is all about and is reduced to tears of laughter too, I have to laugh too, I must look ridiculous.
      I'm not sure it would be a good look socially but it would definitely break the ice at parties.


  1. Absolutely priceless John! Poor you, what a birthday treat - you are right, they are all stars and how dare millionaire Cameron say the public sector is selfish for folks like these wanting a first pay rise of more than 1% in years - beggars belief, the bastard! Hope you manage to get out on the bank soon, don't forget your pad!! TTFN Dickie


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